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With your blonde hair.”It was a December dinner with my five closest girlfriends, and I’d finally tearfully come out with the whole story. My husband of nine and a half years was leaving me for another woman.
The 4,000-square-foot home, dinners around our table, vacations with the four of us, Christmas morning coffee, our long-shared history. The sting was palpable as I sat at that table with my closest friends, crying into my pasta and asking for more wine.“But you’re pretty,” was the line I heard repeatedly in the following months as word leaked out. To know that someone saw beauty in me, even though it wasn’t enough to keep my husband. Like, from scratch.” My friends who had trouble losing baby weight would comment that I was back in my pre-kid jeans and, “Who did he think he was demanding more than that?
A moment when, finally, after months of frantic comparison and apologies and constant clamoring for my own self-worth, I could allow the guilt and shame to begin melting away.
As I fell asleep that night, rolling his comment over and over in my head, I finally realized he was right.
Harrison Ford being an exception for me as well though, I have to say.
“But you’re so much prettier,” my girlfriend said, as we stared at the photo on my smartphone screen. The past two months had been full of suspicions and denial and then horrifying discoveries of correspondence between them where he assured her, “To love is to sacrifice, and I will sacrifice everything for you.” And that’s precisely what he did.
And the truth is that most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive. Now in my mid 40’s though, the idea of dating someone in their 60’s does seem like a big difference in terms of where we each are in life. My friends who are not domestic would say things like, “But you cook dinner every night. ” My friends who are childfree would comment that I gave him two beautiful children. I wasn’t smart enough, or not about the right things, anyway.